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Vicky “Sunshine” Allen, Student My brother, John, and I were adopted after our mother abandoned us. Our new parents loved us and did the best they could for us. It wasn’t easy for them. I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 11. I also had bipolar illness, though it wasn’t diagnosed until many years later. That left quite a mark on my adolescence. I always felt weird, and life just kept getting weirder and weirder. When I was 18, I left home for college. One of the first things I learned there was how alcohol and drugs can help temporarily with weirdness problems. Big surprise! I flunked out after two years. To support myself, I bartended here, cooked there, and bounced from one job to the next. Mostly, however, I partied. It was a dangerous lifestyle for a diabetic. It wasn’t good for my bipolar illness either. Black depressions were a prominent feature of life. I was in and out of hospital emergency rooms, and with each passing year, the depression worsened. This went on for years. I didn’t know I had a mental illness, and I didn’t know that alcohol and drugs just made it worse. I knew only that every year was harder than the year before, and that every year I had a meaner boyfriend. Finally one of them came to my apartment with a gun and shot the place up. Old friends in Seattle had been urging me to move there with them. After the shootout, I took off for Seattle like a shot. Unfortunately, I also took my mental illness, drinking, and drugging with me. I partied just as hearty in Seattle, and I didn’t seem to have any better luck with Seattle men than with Missouri men. I showed up in emergency rooms just as often. I was at least as depressed as ever, and I cried all the time. More years passed like this. Then, after one of my frequent ER visits, a nurse persuaded me to go to a rehab center. I went, but relapsed shortly after being released and quickly found the end of my rope. I arrived in Mount Vernon, on the doorstep of an old friend, who helped me find a place to live. I still had undiagnosed bipolar illness and probably would have been depressed under the best of conditions. But here I was, a homeless, diabetic addict and practicing alcoholic. And if that weren’t enough, I was also suffering from delusions involving aliens. My mental and physical health declined even further. Hospital emergency room staff saw me as frequently as some of them saw their neighbors. I was moving from one cheap motel room to another. I even stole a TV for drugs. There’s more, but you get the gist. At this point I was not merely depressed. I could see absolutely no future for myself and I longed to die. Then I started reaching out for help. I tried everything. For example, I’d never even been married, but I went through Displaced Homemakers—twice! But not until I connected with Skagit Mental Health was my bipolar illness diagnosed. I started on proper medication, and began to take advantage of AA, going to at least one meeting a day. The people I met at all these places gave me so much hope. I did the best I could every day, taking my meds, not drinking or drugging, going to meetings, and staying out of slippery places. After awhile I got a part-time job working with developmentally disabled people, and I loved it. Encouraged by my counselors and my new sober friends, I enrolled in Skagit Valley College. Every day I just plugged along, and every day life got a tiny bit less painful and confused. Even on my down days, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Little by little it paid off. I have friends, now, and I’ve earned some self-respect. My nickname these days is “Sunshine.” This summer I graduated with honors from Skagit Valley College (Associate of Arts degree in Human Services on the chemical dependency track). I’m interning in a program that’s preparing me to use my experience to help others like me. Now when I look in the mirror, I don’t think, “How ugly I am.” I think, “No wonder I have such good friends.” I’ve come a long way, and the journey was hard. Sometimes it still is. But the most important advice I ever got I’m giving you now: “Never give up. Never, never, never give up.” |
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